It's me. Just me.
yay.
I feel so emo
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<<2007-09-02 - 12:37 a.m.>>Went to go see a movie tonight and on the way home I started to cry. The movie had nothing to do with it, by the way.
I hate being such a girl! I sometimes get like this and when I do my mind goes to one boy. I've only had one real boyfriend my entire life. (that one doesn't count Carrie!) However, he's not the one boy I keep going back to in my head. I can't say his name even outloud when I'm by myself because somehow that will make it even more real and even more painful that he's not here with me.
I had a dream once, that he came to my door here in Texas. He came just to tell me that he loved me. It was only a dream.
Have you ever had an almost? I did. I think back and that almost hurts quite a bit. Being in God's will can sometimes be very, very lonely.
But I move on. I'm a big girl. No, Anna Nicole Smith is a big girl, Camryn Manheim is a big girl, Ricki Lake used to be a big girl. Let's phrase that more correctly: I'm a fat girl. Even still, I've had moments when I feel pretty. Sometimes I've even felt attractive. Then I go through moments like these and I don't even look in the mirror. I comb my hair facing the other direction. Some old friends of mine from the hospital called tonight and wanted to go out to dinner. I didn't want to go because I didn't want them to see me as I saw me: a fatty-fatty-two-by-four.
I know, say it! "Just go on a diet! Show some self-control!" Pardon my language but FUCK YOU!!! I had a doctor tell me this past month that "it takes a lot of work to stay that big. A lot of chewing and swallowing." He can kiss my ass. I admit it, I'm a stress eater but nothing much stresses me out. I honestly don't eat that much. I don't snack and I don't eat huge meals. I have gone on diets and I do have self-control. I once went without sugar and high carb breads for 7 weeks. Want to know how much weight I lost? 1 f-ing pound. 1!! It takes a lot of work....not as much as it takes for me to shove that stethoscope up your....and I digress. I'm angry about being this way. I know it's the overeating and the lack of self-control that got me this way, but that's not what's keeping me this way. I just wish I knew.
I know, "Pity party for two, your table is ready." Why two? Because it takes to chairs to fit my fat a**!
It's moments like these that I battle my addiction most. No, I'm not addicted to drugs or any other type of substance. Thanks for thinking of it. But I've taken steps to correct that. I have an accountability partner and that makes all the difference.
I've done a lot of bad things in my life and maybe that's why I can't lose any weight. I still think that I don't deserve any better. I don't deserve to be healthy. Maybe that's why I'm alone, because I don't deserve to have someone.
And then my thoughts come full circle and I think about him again. I hope he's happy. I don't know. I hope he found his love that he was looking for. I wish him all the best with his life that doesn't include me.
To my fans, I'm sorry that this entry is so sporadic, unentertaining, and so self-loathing. I have to get these feelings out. So instead of writing in a normal journal like a normal person, I'm telling these things to a faceless group. True, I know pretty much everyone that reads this, but from this end it's easy to just pour out your lowest and most stupid feelings to a screen.
Taking some Tylenol PM and going to sleep.
I'll probably regret this entry in the morning.